Normally, I’m all for positivity. I really am! I think that it’s so important to have a positive outlook on life and try to live life to the fullest, but that doesn’t mean that we should only be positive. It is okay to let those other feelings come in too, and it is neccecairy to look at things with a more realistic and criticle look sometimes. There is so much wrong in this world of ours, and we can’t close our eyes and pretend it isn’t there. At least, I can’t. We should think and care about the bad things in life too. I don’t know if it is just me, but I end up in a negative spiral very quickly – especially when I really need to study. I don’t know what it is, but I just blame math for it.
It starts with studying. I don’t get math, don’t feel like history is good for anything and think I learn nothing while studying for English. I get frustrated, and I ask myself why I am doing this. I have no idea what I want to do in my life, so what am I studying for?
This goes on for a while – I start doubting everything I do, delete some of my stories and criticize the way I look while I stare at myself in the mirror.
And then I feel guilty. Just plain guilt washes over me. What am I worrying about? I do not have the right to be sad. There are so many people out there who are going through these horrible things and I’m living my happy little innocent life here. I’m ignorant and I should do something good for the world, but I don’t know what. I can’t give myself an answer, so this is not an easy feeling to get rid of. I usually end up in an existential crisis, but that’s something for another blogpost.
I don’t want to come across as a negative human being – because I’m not. But I am also not your standard positive girl, I’m just not always this happy positive person. I’m aware that my own problems are small compared to problems of other people. I’m grateful for what I have and I’m happy most of the time. I’m excited for the future and can’t wait for it to come. But that doesn’t mean I’m not scared. I’m scared to death. I have no idea what I want to do, the only thing I know is that I want to change the world in a positive way. It may not be a very realistic dream, but I at least have to try.
For now, I’m just going to keep on studying. I might not know what I want to do with the rest of my life at this point, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out one day. And when that day comes, a degree will probably come in handy. Plus, if I really want to change the world, I’m going to have to work for it. I’m not going to be able to change anything anytime soon, but I’m working on it. So while I study and try to pretend these exam periods are just weeks in which I eat loads of chocolate, drink heaps of tea and water, and wear cosy sweaters 24/7.